The 18th Annual Moskoni Cup will take place on the 6th December 2025 starting at 4pm at Deanshanger
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BREAKING NEWS: USA Batter Europe 13–8 in the Moskoni Cup – Statistics Confirm What We Already Suspected
In a stunning display of being slightly less awful, Team USA have defeated Team Europe 13–8 in this year’s Moskoni Cup — an annual sporting tradition famous across the village for questionable talent, heroic overconfidence, and shot choices that should be studied by scientists.
Below is your full breakdown of the carnage, with player stats that explain everything.
🇺🇸 TEAM USA — The Least Bad Side Wins the Day
🎱 Stuart – Won 7, Lost 1
The American captain delivered a performance so dominant that rumours began circulating he’d been replaced by someone who can actually play.
He bossed frames, bullied Europe’s confidence, and only lost once — presumably out of boredom.
🎱 Drew – Won 6, Lost 2
Drew produced the finest pool of his career, managing moments of brilliance between long, thoughtful spells of wondering how he ever misses in practice but still does under pressure.
Europe simply couldn’t live with him… or aim like him.
🎱 Mark – Won 5, Lost 2
Mark shocked the crowd with consistent potting and only minimal fouling — a personal best.
His positional play improved drastically as soon as Paul L stepped into the arena.
🎱 Bazza – Won 4, Lost 2
A man fuelled entirely by flukes and misplaced confidence.
His performance included three outrageous shots that he absolutely did not mean.
But they went in, so USA applauded him like a hero.
🎱 Gilly – Won 4, Lost 2
The warm-up table assassin actually brought some form into the match this year.
His win record proves that Europe’s fear of him missing a sitter was misplaced — though he still tried his best to reassure them occasionally.
🎱 Danny – Won 4, Lost 3
Danny delivered a respectable performance considering half his shots looked like he was trying to avoid hitting the right ball entirely.
Still — four wins for the lad. Miracles do happen.
🇪🇺 TEAM EUROPE — A Catalogue of Struggle, Chaos, and Emotional Damage
🎱 Chappers – Won 4, Lost 4
Europe’s captain delivered a perfectly balanced record — winning the ones he shouldn’t and losing the ones he should.
He spent much of the evening waving his arms at the table like it was personally insulting him.
A true leader of men.
🎱 Lee – Won 3, Lost 4
(Better previously known as Readey.)
Lee played with intense concentration and the body language of a man solving a murder case.
Unfortunately his cue ball placement was also criminal.
🎱 Fred – Won 2, Lost 4
Fred once again provided Europe’s biggest wildcard energy.
He alternated between brilliant pots and positional play so deranged it should carry a warning label.
Won two frames entirely on charm and chaos.
🎱 Scott – Won 2, Lost 4
Scott brought passion, power, and the attention span of someone waiting for their takeaway.
When he was good, he was good…
When he was bad, he was Europe.
🎱 Smithy – Won 0, Lost 6
Smithy put in a workmanlike performance — in that he turned up and went home.
His white ball control was reminiscent of a Tesco trolley with a dodgy wheel.
A tough day for the lad.
A tougher day for anyone watching him.
🎱 Paul L – Won 0, Lost 7
A historic achievement.
Zero wins from seven attempts.
Paul’s positional play was so tragic it moved some spectators to tears.
The organisers are considering renaming the wooden spoon in his honour.
🏆 THE FINAL VERDICT
USA’s win was secured not by brilliance, but by Europe’s relentless commitment to disaster.
Stuart bullied everyone.
Drew forgot he was supposed to be inconsistent.
Mark had his best tournament since records began.
Bazza chaotically contributed.
Danny got lucky.
Gilly behaved himself.
Meanwhile Europe…
well… Europe turned in performances worthy of a charity exhibition.
One where the charity is “Help Them Aim.”
Final score: USA 13 – 8 Europe
Final mood:
USA: jubilant, loud, borderline unbearable
Europe: applying for emotional compensation
Europe still lead 10-8 overall since 2008
